I never noticed how much of a negative effect you had on my life until you were gone. I told you to never speak to me again and a week later my smile came back to me. The weight I carry felt lighter without the baggage you added onto it. I actually enjoy myself when I'm out because I'm not worried about what you think i’m doing vs what i’m actually doing. Or who you think i’m with vs who i’m actually with. It’s like as soon as you left every other area of my life got better. And that’s something I can’t ignore. It makes me not want us to ever talk again. Because with you I was a different person. I was sad. Closed off. Stressed out. Way too serious. Constantly on defense. Everything that wasn’t me. And without you I’m a more familiar version of myself. I’m healthier and I like me more without you in my life. Which means I can let you back in.
The moment I do I'm afraid all the progress I made will turn to ash. And I’ll be right back where I started. Letting you back into my life now, when I am full of more potential than misery would be like me having a relapse to drug addiction. And that’s what you were. You were an addiction. You satisfied me in ways that made all the bad parts worth it. I convinced myself that having you was worth more than losing me. I convinced myself that you were the only fix I needed and that I couldn’t tend to my own needs and wounds the way you did. And that self deprecating, false, negative energy spilled into all the other areas of my life. I had no water left in my cup to pour into other aspects of my life because I gave it all to you.
I was convinced that you were all that I needed to be right in the world and when I realized I was making a mistake by doing that I still continued. Maybe it was out of habit. Maybe it was because I was blinded by blurry definitions I had about butterflies in my stomach. But somewhere down one of the lines you crossed I found the courage and the strength to take away the power I gave you and use it to empower myself. And looking back on the progress I’ve made from where I was to where I am now. I believe that I am better off without you.
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